Sometimes I Get Mushy.

If the last two years have taught me anything (actually, they have taught me an incredible amount), they have taught me that things always come full circle – sometimes certain things take a little longer than others.

Last year, my childhood bestfriend, Laura passed away. I hadn’t truly spoken to her in years aside from some messaging here and there, but she remained an incredibly important person in my life. Laura was my first friend at the age of three. We were inseparable in those early years and I can easily say Laura was my first love. I adored her. I adored our friendship. To this day, I still have not had a friendship like that one. In third grade, my heart was broken when I found out she had another best friend. This was something I carried with me throughout my life. Last year I wrote about Laura shortly after she passed away and what she meant to me. Her other best friend from way back then commented that she was always so envious of our friendship. This emphasized a lesson I’ve been working on mastering and that is – there are always three sides to every story.

 In my mind since third grade, and pretty much up until last year, for some reason, I believed Laura could only love one of us. I don’t know why I had this strong belief for so long, but I let it harbor so much pain in my heart, up until that comment. It’s shocking to me how much certain events that happen to you as a child impact you so much as an adult.

 In hindsight, I don’t understand how I could be so silly and so unaware when I consider myself a very aware person. It goes to show, there are always lessons to be learned. In that moment, it occurred to me, Laura loved both of us. So much. And in that moment, it also occurred to me, I loved her other best friend for loving Laura as much as I did. And loved her because Laura loved her. It was a significant moment for me.

Once I love someone, I don’t stop. I’m not capable of that, I’ve learned. Even when I don’t WANT to love someone anymore, I still do. Up until recently, I felt this was both a blessing and a curse, but more recently I’ve discovered, it’s not a curse – it’s a true blessing. I learnded in the last two years, that anything that is not love, is fear. I’ve learned (through a lot of therapy), some people aren’t capable of this and for that, I genuinely feel sad for those people. I am capable of this, and for that, I’m grateful.

 The words “I love you” come from me to someone else at least once a day – whether it’s in person, on the phone, via text, email and so on. And that’s not an imbellishment. I believe in telling those you love, you love them. I don’t feel shame saying those three words and those three words have built more close friendships and saved more friendships in my life than I can count. I still tell my ex-husband I love him. I love his girlfriend for who she is and for loving him. Love is not this finite thing where there’s only so much to go around.

 I fucking spread that shit like wildfire.

So, if you’re reading this, chances are, I love you, too. Don’t make it weird.