Do The Work.

We’ve all been through shit, but the people I connect with the most have not only been through it, but have done the work and continue to do the work. They’ve gone deep, they’ve looked at themselves and their bullshit right in the face. They have stopped blaming others for their stuff, or at least try to. They live their truth no matter how ugly and have come out better people because of it. In turn, they have been able to help others do their work. “The work” is never over. It’s a constant state of self reflection and introspection. 

I would argue the most important thing someone can do, all of us can do, really, not only for ourselves but for everyone around us, is to practice self love. When I say “self-love”, I don’t “mean looking at yourself in the mirror and telling yourself how amazing you are – although, truth be told, I have actually done this through tears in some of my darker days. By self love, I mean identify your flaws – all of them. Being brutally honest with yourself. Once you can admit your flaws, the more quickly you can accept them, work on them and realize how much they are impacting your world. This can be a terrifying thing. No one wants to admit they can be a judgmental asshole or a bunch of other unpleasant things. However, once you acknowledge it, you start catching yourself every time you’re actually in the act of being a judgmental asshole – speaking from experience.

It’s easy to say “no one’s perfect.” But when others actually don’t act perfect, society becomes a lynch mob and starts throwing stones, rather than trying to figure out why. Why is that person acting that way and why am I getting so upset about it? Why do we expect perfection from others when we know perfection is an unattainable standard.

Without going too much into detail, I made a hurtful mistake a couple of years ago. Folks who I considered friends at the time, looked at my mistake (which did not impact them) in a vacuum without taking any other information into consideration and made a judgment call that I was a bad person. For a while, I believed them, because I used to be someone who would have made that same judgment call.  

Between then and now, I have done A LOT of work. For anyone who has made a mistake (which if I was a betting woman, is ALL of you), you know the feeling of regret and perhaps even shame and the gross feelings that coincide. I started sharing my story with select people, becoming vulnerable and owning my truth. 

What happened was fascinating in that when I did share my story, rather than judge me, they looked at the full context and saw me as a human being. They realized not everything is black and white, and in turn, they let their guards down and shared their shame and their mistakes with me knowing I would not judge them – how could I? This wasn’t just a one time thing – I’ve shared this story with countless people and without fail, every single person shared a story with me about their failure, mistake, shame and all of their self judgement that came along with it. While I’m sure this helped the other person heal, it helped me heal, as well. 

There are still days where I feel the ramifications of my mistake. There is still shame, regret, guilt, sadness and pain. But, rather than lying about it, ignoring it or pretending like it never happened, I share it, because it’s part of my story and there is a freedom in owning it.

So I continue to share my story to not only help myself heal and do the work, I do it to help others heal and do their work, as well.