Phoenix Rising

Typically, I’m pretty good at naming my emotions. This time of year, like many people I’m sure, provokes a lot of reflection of the previous 12 months. I have been struggling with naming how I feel about this year. Never has such a year happened with a dizzying array of events and emotions.

I have seen both the best and worst in humanity. My heart has been warmed and broken countless times –  sometimes multiple times in the same day. This year has both been energizing and exhausting. Professionally, I had the best year I have had to date. Personally, a lot has happened, as well. I still struggle with a lot of inner conflict. That’s life, I suppose. Reminding myself to forgive others for hurting or judging me. Reminding myself to forgive myself for hurting and judging others. It’s a constant state of practice, and not one I have mastered yet by any stretch, but I’m trying.

I pushed myself way outside my comfort zone more than I have in the past. I went on a vacation of a lifetime to Australia and New Zealand alone where I met some fantastic people who have proven to become lifelong friends. I showed vulnerability with my writing to find people not only enjoy it, they found it helpful. The messages I have received both from friends and people I don’t know at all have shown me how powerful we all are. While my writing and posts have apparently been helpful to others. People’s comments and words of support have been incredibly helpful for me from a healing perspective. It has shown me I am not alone and it has always been my hope that my writing has shown you, you are not alone either. 

I have witnessed people experience the sudden loss of loved ones – parents, spouses, pets. Excruciating pain where there is nothing that can be said or done that will take the pain away. Admittedly, I am not great in these situations. Checking in with a text or email doesn’t seem to be enough and visiting always seems to be an inappropriate encroachment on personal space. So, I sit with that guilt and feel selfish at the same time because someone else’s grief isn’t about me. 

I unexpectedly bought a house half mile from the beach that, while I have a love/hate relationship with its renovation, I am absolutely in love with the property. It is where I feel the most at peace – even staring at wallpaper that still needs to come down and floors that still need to be refinished. It is a work in progress, just like all of us. 

Most recently, another unexpected event was adopting another dog. This has certainly been one of the highest points of this year and has shown me how thirsty people are for love right now. Love of our animals is unparalleled. No judgement, no intentional emotional pain – just sheer unconditional love and kindness. The outpouring of love and happiness that has come from posting pictures and videos of my dogs has been overwhelming. Inviting you into see their story, you have become part of their story. I am forever grateful for that and you.

Two dogs, both with horrendous beginnings, now give me so much purpose and joy. Observing you guys be so happy for their rise from the ashes shows me we are all capable of incredible empathy – and how we all need support of rising from our own ashes. We have all been through some tough stuff. I have no doubt, even if it was subconscious, when I shared the initial pictures of Bub when he was found abandoned in that crate on the side of the road, you saw yourself. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have had such a strong reaction. I know I did. I felt a calling to adopt him. You all have found a calling to watch his journey and like his photos and videos. It is uplifting, because in a strange way, it gives you hope.  Something we all need after this year.

So, 2020, you have been a year for the books. I’m not sure what record or records you have specifically broken – heartbreaking, heartwarming, confusing, challenging, and all of the above. Here’s to 2021 and hopefully a year of hope and for many, rising from your ashes.