Divorce.

I am someone who regularly touts the power of positivity and perspective to anyone who will listen: Friends, family, social media followers, and so on. Many who will be reading this know by now that Chris, (my now ex-husband) and I got a divorce about a year ago. If they do not know, now they will know. The word “discomfort” is the exact word that comes to mind when thinking about the topic of divorce There is no seemingly appropriate way to announce divorce comfortably.  I have yet to find a greeting card that makes divorce announcements. Although, I feel that would have been much easier than telling people as they come and not having to relive the excruciating experience repeatedly of seeing the look on people’s faces when I broke the news. It was like entering a cold pool over and over again with no end in sight, like on a perpetual hamster wheel of discomfort.

The reactions ranged from shock to sadness to pity to confusion. With every response, I had to brace myself for what the impending backlash would be. I found myself comforting the other person or making light of it, because I think to them, our marriage was perfect. If Chris and I could not make it, who could? With every uncomfortable conversation was a stab to my soul reminding me I failed. I am not a stranger to failure. I doubt any of us are. I have had failures with jobs and other relationships and friendships. Maybe a hobby or two that I just never could latch on to. But divorce, well, divorce was an entirely new level of failure I felt nothing or no one could have quite prepared me for.  

Divorce was and continues to be an interesting social experiment. Thankfully, my and Chris’s friendship has survived. Our relationship is a special one that few, if anyone, can really understand other than me and him. Out of everything that happened in 2019 and there was A LOT, the survival of my friendship with him has been the thing I am most proud of and most grateful for. I gave up trying to explain to people our dynamic. I think in many people’s minds, divorce is this ugly thing.

Don’t get me wrong, by no means is divorce pleasant, but I would argue, out of everyone in our lives, Chris and I handled our divorce the best. We handled it with love and respect. We did not pay attention to outside opinions – and believe me when I say, there were many. We were adamant that we were important to each other. We have been best friends since almost day one of our relationship. We know each other better than anyone and we know when push comes to shove, we will always be there for each other in a heartbeat.

I have found, when it comes to divorce, a lot of people want to make one person the good guy and one person the bad guy. Perhaps that is just how they make sense of it in their minds – fitting one person into the “good” box and the other into the “bad” box.

If divorce showed me anything, it is that we are all a million different people. We all make mistakes. I have made mistakes I certainly am not proud of, but it has also shown me forgiveness. Forgiveness for myself, forgiveness for others, and to not judge; or at least try not to. I had been judged so much last year. I have lost friends. I have lost family. My heart had been broken more times than I like to admit. It was a HARD year from so many different angles. But, that heartbreak and that judgement from others made me a softer and kinder person. It made me want to make sure my people never felt that way from me. It is truly an excruciating feeling of loneliness and it humbled me to the core. When I shared my story with people and showed vulnerability, I was shocked to find the people who did show up for me and loved me when I could not love myself. While 2019 was hard, it was also a magical year that changed me. This is where perspective comes in.

There are two ways for me to look at 2019:

The Bad:

I got divorced, lost close friends and family, was shamed, judged, abandoned, I had to move several times, I lost a big part of my life and who I was and who I identified with, I cried every day (and cried HARD), I hurt a lot of people, I hit my rock bottom.

The Good:

My friendship with Chris is rock solid. I gained perspective. I learned kindness and forgiveness towards myself and others. I have had so many amazing people come into my life. I have learned other people’s judgment has nothing to do with me. I bought two houses – one I fully renovated and rented out as an investment property, and the other, a mile to beautiful Rye Beach in New Hampshire, where I now proudly call home. I competed in a two-day relay road race with 11 strangers stretching over 200 miles. I had a record year with my job as a real estate agent and was able to donate $15,000 to local charities. I got my Real Estate Broker’s license, I joined a Board for a local charity, and I’ve made amazing connections in my community. Through my experience, I have helped a lot of my friends get through some of their own difficult times and become a better friend. I adopted an amazing dog who continuously reminds me how important kindness is. I started to not focus on what other people thought and alternatively worked on my relationship with myself. I learned to be kinder to myself and love myself.

Many of us, whether we realize it or not, judge a person’s life based on what they put out on the surface or display on social media. The number of times I have heard “but you looked so happy!” after I told people about my divorce gave me a lot of food for thought and reminded me you cannot judge a book by the cover or make assumptions. Everyone – and I mean EVERYONE – has their shit. You can look at life from a positive or negative perspective. Some days are harder than others to choose positivity, but when you do, life sure as hell is more enjoyable. And positivity is one of many things Chris has taught me and brought into my life, which I will never not be grateful for.