Being Human.

When I wake up is when I’m most at peace. Alone with my thoughts for better or worse. Growing up I was a quiet, unassuming kid. My goal was to blend in and go unnoticed. Mainly because I was born with a genetic defect and I just wanted to be like everyone else and avoid being made fun of. Kids can be cruel and I noticed if I was quiet and nice I wouldn’t be made fun of, or at least sparingly. 

In hindsight, what this provided me with was a creative mind. I created stories or scenarios in my mind that kept me company.  It would allow me the opportunity to observe the details that seemingly go unnoticed by the busy. It gave me an appreciation for the kind kids who would sit with me and be my friend, despite it taking a little more effort to get to know me. To this day, to me, kindness in a person trumps everything else. It always feels like a warm blanket wrapped around my heart.  

As I sit here thinking about that little girl, I smile and tear up at the same time. There are so many parallels to where I was then and where I am now as an adult. I eventually came out of my shell later on in highschool and most definitely in college, but I’ve always been an introvert. I’ve always been reenergized by being alone with my inner thoughts. I’m most energized in the morning hours when I am able to sit in peace before my email and phone starts going off.

Up until my 30s, I thought I was weird or something was wrong with me. Going to the bars and out in crowds gave me full blown anxiety. I remember sitting in my apartment when I was in my mid 20s, looking at the door, WILLING myself to leave the house knowing all my friends were out having a great time. I would try to convince myself “you’ll be fine once you get there”.  In reality, once I got there I’d be counting down the minutes until I could leave after a “socially appropriate” amount of time for being out – I deemed that one hour.  The gift age gives you, one of many, is fuck “socially appropriate”. “Socially appropriate” is whatever makes you feel comfortable.  

Now, I realize this is simply called being an introvert and we’re everywhere. I’ve embraced being social… and I must be good at it, because people are typically shocked when I tell them I’m an introvert. But what I’ve learned is introversion doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t like people. Although, candidly, and I don’t think I’m alone in this, people can be…. well, peopley. 

Introversion vs Extroversion is how you’re energized. I’m energized by being alone or with typically one or two other people. Crowds zap me. 

I crave substance and connection. It’s hard to have substantial conversations in a crowd. So in crowds you’re forced to have small talk. Which in my mind, I find to be a total waste of time and energy. It’s not unusual for me to announce at these types of gatherings, “these things give me anxiety and make my armpits sweat.”

This is absolutely true, but the other thing it does is create connection. 

We don’t have to talk about the weather – we can talk about being human.