A Dog’s Heart.

I’ve been fortunate enough to get to spend a bit more time with Coco lately. As mentioned in previous posts, she is 15 and we are definitely on borrowed time with her. Both Chris and I are surprised she is still kicking, but elated, nonetheless. We got her when she was 3 or 4, so part of me always felt like we had a couple of years stolen from us. The fact that she’s 15 makes me feel like she’s holding on to give us a few more years to make up for it. 

One of the hardest parts of our divorce for me, was mutually agreeing the best thing for Coco at the time was to stay with Chris. That was her home. Divorce is not easy and we don’t have kids, which I imagine made it ridiculously less complicated, but Coco was our child. I remember in mediation the moment the mediator asked us who would take Coco. Even as I type this, my heart also remembers the feeling of it seizing and having to make a ridiculously hard decision, but one I knew – we both knew – was the right one for everyone. 

I adopted Coco before Chris and I even started living together. We had agreed a long time ago, she was “my dog” after Chris initially objected to getting a pitbull (he now jokingly denies that conversation ever transpired). Obviously, the sentiment of Coco being “my dog” no longer holds true, as she is, was and always will be “our dog”. I do believe she is a big reason why my and Chris’s friendship is what it is. She has always been a priority to both of us. We owed her that after everything she has done for each of us.

She helped both of us through some pretty dark days. I remember when my grandmother passed away, she didn’t leave my side. A couple of years later when my grandfather passed, it was the same. 

Walking Coco every day brought me so much joy and peace. It’s how we bonded. It was our time. Over the years, I watched her go from a strong, beautiful puller to now a docile, sweet, fragile walking partner, who I find even more beautiful in her old age. 

At 15, she can still do a couple of miles a day. I attribute her longevity partially to all the exercise she got. I also attribute her longevity to the amount of love she was shown and the amount of love she felt responsible to give us in my and Chris’s separate times of need. 

In her last days, weeks, months (years?), the care has shifted a little bit. She’s a tired girl, but nonetheless the queen. Everyone – myself, Chris, Petey, Bub – we all bow down to her. Sleeping arrangements, walking routes, feeding times – they all revolve around her and making her as comfortable and happy as possible. Bringing Petey into the mix has been a wonder. Both Chris and I believe it has added substantial time onto her life to have a buddy to snooze with throughout the day, which makes my heart absolutely soar.

Anyone who has a dog knows how special they are. Having someone there for you, not having to say a thing, but know they love you unconditionally without judgment is the most powerful thing I have experienced in my life. It’s why I am so drawn to dogs. They are the only beings I feel 100% free around. I learned that from Coco. She has taught me a lot, continues to teach me, and will continue to until her last breath, I’m sure.

Candidly, I have been mentally preparing for that moment since the day we got her. Dogs only fault is they just don’t live long enough, but one of my favorite poems always brings me peace when I start to think about the inevitable:

 “It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them, and every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are”  – Anonymous