The Still.

Shortly before my most recent fitness competition, my therapist asked me if I was prepared for the let down that historically has ensued AFTER the show.

She knows I thrive in working towards a goal. That’s when I’m at my best. I get so focused on that goal and achieving it, that it feeds my soul and I don’t let the little stuff get to me. In fact, the little stuff all gets done too and significantly more efficiently than when I’m not working towards a goal. I’m a machine. Frankly, it’s a bit of an out of body experience and I like myself so much better when I’m in that mindset. Unstoppable.

Because I was also on the brink of starting my own real estate brokerage, I thought I had plenty to focus on. What I was not prepared for was the let down after my brokerage was launched.

I received so many phone calls and messages of congratulations from friends, family, colleagues and so on. It was a great feeling – but oddly, a lonely feeling filled with a bit of anxiety thinking, “ok, now what?”. Candidly, I’m still in that space. In one particular conversation a friend commented on my achieving goals and I responded with, “Yes, it’s a sickness.” A joke, but certainly with an element of truth behind it.

I struggle with being in the still. Now, “the still” doesn’t mean nothing is going on in my life. “The still” is the mundane life stuff that everyone deals with. Everyone. The perpetual chirping of the to-do list to get done, chores around the house, emails to answer, texts to respond to and chasing after my dog running into a church. It’s not easy and I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted by the mundane.

 Training for a fitness competition and starting a business? Energizing. Mundane life stuff everyone deals with when not working towards a goal? Exhausting.  

A constant struggle I deal with is caring about what people think. I don’t care as much as I used to, but disappointing people or people not being happy puts a large weight on my shoulders. For some reason I have it ingrained in my mind that others’ happiness is MY responsibility. I need to put it down and some days are harder than others to do that. 

While I know even making that statement, you think “Oh my God, Lexi – WHY would you think others’ happiness is YOUR responsibility??” And the frustrating part is: I. DON’T. KNOW. BUT – I’m working on not having it be such a weight to bear.

 The tricky part is, sometimes what makes me happy may not make others happy. There are a lot of things I have done in my life to sacrifice my happiness for others. And there are things I have done to make myself happy that have not made others happy. The guilt that has come along with it is borderline unbearable. 

To make up for that guilt, I do a lot of things that make me feel like a better person – donating to charity, giving my dogs the best life possible, writing a blog, sharing my shit that has appeared to help others. It never feels like enough. Again, something I struggle with – never doing enough or being enough. (A constant topic with my therapist).

I’ve written a lot about self-love and being kinder to yourself. A lot of what I write publicly, is just a journal entry to myself. These thoughts are written to help me too. Do I need to be kinder to myself? Absolutely. Is it hard? Ridiculously. 

So while many of you were blown away by my ability to train for a fitness competition – which don’t me wrong, I am incredibly proud of – and also proud of starting my own brokerage – the goal of being satisfied with “The Still” – my still –  has been the hardest goal for me to achieve yet.