A Dozen Yellow Roses

A Dozen Yellow Roses

Imagine having a person in your life who you care about so deeply you wouldn’t let anything hurt them or you would try your damndest to shelter them from anything negative.

 One of my many a-ha moments I had in therapy was during a session I was berating myself over something or other. Something I was prone to doing: Beating myself up over something I couldn’t do anything about. My therapist pointblank asked me, “Would you talk to your best friend the way you talk to yourself?”

“God, no.” I quickly responded. The thought of speaking to a friend the way I spoke to myself was unimaginable.

“Then why would you talk to yourself that way?”

This was a turning point for me. I know many, many people who are so damn hard on themselves. There’s something to be said for holding yourself to a higher standard, no doubt about it. I certainly do. However, holding ourselves to unattainable standards is a waste of time and energy.

Both resources, in my opinion, are invaluable.

I thought why am I not my own best friend? It was at this time, I started practicing being kinder to myself. I started practicing, as I do with everything, implementing small and manageable changes. Waking up, the first thing I would say is “thank you.” I would look in the mirror every day and tell myself I loved myself – even when I didn’t feel like it. Let me tell you how hard I cried the first time I did that. I laughed I cried so hard because of how ridiculous those three words I so clearly needed to hear.

If you can’t love yourself, how can you expect others to? Something I have struggled with in the past is gaining approval and validation from others. There was a strong correlation between my sense of self worth and approval from others. Writing that sentence makes me a little nauseous, but it’s true. There are days I still get twinges of it, but I battle hard to be cognizant of where my energy is being used and I work to love myself like it’s life or death. I never want to go back to that place of self-loathing. A place I know so many others stagnate.

A while ago, I learned the symbolism of a yellow rose is friendship and caring. I’ve always liked yellow roses. I always found red roses to be kind of generic and “easy.” I don’t always see yellow roses, but, every time I do see them at the grocery store, I’d buy myself some. It’s just another gesture of instilling how to be my own best friend and how the smallest gestures can make the biggest impact.

 In the last few years, I have become increasingly sensitive to energy – good and bad. Again, to not overwhelm myself, because it happens easily, I put things in terms my brain doesn’t get overloaded by. If something feels good, I follow it. If something doesn’t feel good, I discard or avoid – this goes for items, people, food, what I watch (I don’t watch horror movies or the news), what I read and what I say. Sometimes I will catch myself saying something judgmental or cruel and I instantly don’t feel good. I acknowledge it, forgive myself and release it. 

In the last year, pretty much since the onslaught of Covid, I have inadvertently curated my social media page and feed to provide only positive, happy things. I’ve unfollowed, unsubscribed and blocked people to keep the peace on my page and help keep me in a bubble of positivity and happiness. I don’t go down rabbit holes of arguing or debate, because I don’t see the point for my own inner peace. If someone posts something I don’t appreciate on my page or something I think others will find upsetting (rightfully), the beauty is, I have the choice to curate and delete it. I also work REALLY hard on posting things where the goal is to make people laugh (because honestly making people laugh is one of my favorite things in the world) or make people think or make people feel better. I never want people reading my posts or looking at my stuff to walk away feeling worse than before they saw it. I understand it’s not my responsibility to make everyone feel good. But, it’s my responsibility to make myself feel good.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. While I don’t think social media is reality by any stretch, there are a lot of parallels to real life. I’ve decluttered a lot in the last few years. The question from the art of tidying up of, “Does it spark joy?” helped simplify so much for me.

I’ve downsized friendships that always left me depleted or feeling worse. I avoid people who suck the energy out of me and I have kept people in my life who contributed in a positive way to my energy stores. I’ve downsized clothes and stuff that never felt like it added anything to my life other, but rather dragged me down.

I think of the “good egg or bad egg” meter in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. If they don’t pass the sniff test, down the shoot they go to never be heard from again and my life is all the better. No muss, no fuss. It’s not always perfect. It’s a constant practice, but the more you practive, the better you get.

The true beauty of life is you are the curator of yours. Start with buying yourself a dozen yellow roses.