Selflessness Is Bullshit.

I had three separate people reach out yesterday thanking me for my writing. When I started posting my writing publicly, it was more for me than anything or anyone. My posts are essentially letters to myself: Trying to motivate myself, nurture myself, be kinder to myself, teach myself, love myself. In hindsight, I wrote to gain validation that just maybe I was normal. Maybe others were struggling too and it was a plea for belonging. Feeling not alone.  What I have learned through writing publicly, is it has helped people. This was never my intention.

Candidly, I am a selfish person. 

The word “selfish” has such a negative connotation to it. Looking up the definition of selfish reads as “lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.”

Yikes.

 The definition of selfless reads as “concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one’s own.”  

How about I make a new definition for selfish in that – it’s being concerned more with your own needs and wishes more than others. Not necessarily lacking consideration of others. 

What I have found in MY version of being selfish – in the long run – has actually helped people. 

Hear me out.

I was listening to a podcast yesterday with Brenee Brown and Glennon Doyle. I’m paraphrasing, but they talked about how in society women (more specifically mothers) have been taught the ultimate goal to achieving perfection is selflessness. Putting others first and your needs last. Quite poignantly, both Brenee and Glennon exclaimed what bullshit this was.

 I couldn’t agree more. 

They went on to talk about if you’re putting your needs last, you’re teaching others (your children, daughters, nieces, peers), this is the “right” way and essentially continuing the cycle of your happiness not being as important as making others happy.

Bullshit is right.

I’m in the middle of participating in a marketing exercise for my business. The company has interviewed a few past clients of mine, as well as some peers. One of the outcomes of the interviews were a bunch of words that they felt resounded and described me and how I do business.

One of the words that was presented to me was “Selfless”.

I almost threw up all over myself when I saw that. To say I had a visceral reaction to this is an understatement. I’ve been exploring why in the last couple of weeks since this happened.

First of all, anyone who touts themselves as “selfless” – well, I don’t even need to explain the ick factor in that.

“LET ME TELL EVERYONE HOW SELFLESS I AM!!!”

Gross.

Secondly, I’m not. 

All the things I do are because they make ME happy. I love my job, because it satisfies ME. I do work in the community, because it makes ME feel like a better person and I’m contributing to socIety – boosting MY self esteem. I work out and do fitness competitions, because it helps MY mental state, helping ME stay clear, ME stay focused and I like working towards goals FOR ME.

My ultimate life goal is achieving happiness. I’ve realized “happiness” is NOT a permanent status. It ebbs and flows. Some days I’m ecstatic, some days I’m depressed, some days I feel nothing but gratitude, some days I’m lonely, some days I’m content. But on average, I’m happy. And in this endeavor to achieve MY happiness, apparently, has the added (and not with the intention) benefit of helping others.

Can you imagine if everyone worked on their own happiness? You think that guy who flipped you off in traffic or didn’t hold the door for you or was rude is a happy person? Doubtful. 

I woke up last night at 2:45am. Not abnormal, for me. I picked up my phone and perused Instagram. Healthy behavior? Definitely, not. But it is what it is.

 I saw a post from a remarkable friend of mine. There was a picture of her in the mirror with a Post-it saying, “You Look Great Today” and the caption read, “Sometimes we all need a reminder. I know I did. Feeling kinda fat and gross these days…”

Man, my heart hurt reading that. Mostly, because I know how that feels. I know most women (maybe men?) have felt this sentiment. 

Being selfish, I have worked HARD on fighting this demon (among many, many others) with myself. Focusing SO fucking hard on loving myself, allowing myself to put MY happiness first and understanding MY happiness matters, after a period of self loathing beyond imagination. Are there days where those nasty demons rear their ugly heads. Oh yes.

 But, practicing selfishness, writing about my own demons for MY benefit, I have found, has helped others work through theirs helping perpetuate a cyle of added happiness in this world.

Win – fucking – win.

Selflessness be damned.