I don’t exactly remember where it came from or if I read it somewhere, but one of the best pieces of advice that I have used over and over again (and sometimes I have to remind myself of) is when confronted with a less than pleasant situation, throw love at it.
(It was probably The Four Agreements – are you guys sick of me talking about this book yet?)
What do I mean when I say, ‘throw love at a situation’? We all have people in our lives – sometimes they can be those closest to us – who have the ability to hurt us the most. I believe people who are the most angry, bitter, resentful human beings are those most in need of love. I believe the cliche of hurt people hurt, holds much truth.
(This goes back to my theory on Fear and Love, which you can read here).
These people who are the angry, bitter, sour and resentful, typically wreak the most havoc on the unsuspecting for no obvious reason. In turn, it can ignite a rage inside us feeling the projection of their anger onto us is undeserved. Perhaps. Perhaps not.
When I find myself in these moments, I try to pause, sit back and look at the situation. I always look at myself first and ask “Did I cause this?” If so, I apologize. We ALL have tendencies to be assholes. I am no exception. In my experience, the best way to diffuse an adversarial situation is to either say “I’m sorry ” or “I understand.” Most times, people need empathy or need to feel heard. This was one of the first and most valuable lessons I learned about customer service and it is certainly applicable to any and all of life’s relationships. If I had an angry customer, the first thing I would say is, “I understand” or “I’m sorry”. Without fail, this immediately took them off the offense.
If the other party is not someone you particularly want in your life and there is no grounds for apology, internally wish them well, understand their stuff has nothing to do with you, and move on. There is no sense in wasting energy on something you cannot control. Forgiveness is more for you, not the other party. This one was a tough one for me.
I’ll say it again – FORGIVENESS IS MORE FOR YOU, NOT THE OTHER PARTY – The Second Agreement from “Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements, “Don’t take anything personally”, in my opinion, is the most difficult Agreement of them all.
Regardless, the way you respond to a nasty situation, is up to you. If someone is not responsive to that action, I don’t keep trying to beat a dead horse. When I come across these people, I try (keyword always being “try”) to throw love at the situation. This can be in a multitude of ways. I’m not saying if someone hurts you, you go out and buy them a Hallmark card. I am saying, wish them well and hope they find peace. This somehow provides resolve. Hate and resentment is a nasty thing to hold inside and is toxic to no one more so than yourself.
A great quote I heard a while ago and continues to resonate with me is, “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.” I look at resentment the same way. Resenting someone else or not forgiving someone else, to me, is like satisfying hunger by taping sandwiches all of your body. It doesn’t solve anything. Again, forgiveness is more for you, than the other person.
When dealing with a particularly difficult situation a while ago, a wise person once told me to thank the universe for giving me the opportunity to let this go – even if you have to say it a million times a day. I took her advice and any time the thought of the situation arose, I repeated “thank you universe for giving me the opportunity to let this go” and eventually it subsided. I have found showing appreciation for the lesson – because there is ALWAYS a lesson to be found – helps to diminish the power a negative situation can hold over you.
The way I see it is, you are the one in charge of the way you feel. Why give someone else the power to make you feel a certain way? To me, that is what forgiveness is about. Taking back that power.
What Would You Do If You Weren't Afraid? 